The Aurorasphere 0.o

Straight off of fanfiction.net, it's SiS! My slightly eccentric fanfiction that got the boot from fanfiction.net for being slightly eccentric! :P

If you'd like to leave a comment, feel free to do so at the bottom! ^o~ It's anonymous and everything... so I can't hunt you down. 0-0 Unless you leave you name and address… and your shoe size. Then I can hunt you down.

Especially if you leave your shoe size.

Thanks!

--Aurora

((Vanilla Slash))

_____________________________________

Index:

 ◊

Chapter 1: Enter the Ant

Chapter 2: Trial and Getting Thrown Out of Court

Chapter 3: Do What You Want

◊

Mai Otome: Series in Seconds!

Summary: Every Mai Otome episode crunched into its own hilarious chapter! Beware: Contains fan-brawls, colorful explicative, and random chaos for some flavor.

~~~~

Hey all! This is my first ff and bla bla bla... I know most people just skip the author's notes at the top of chapters, so I'll cut the bullshit and see you later at the bottom.

Warnings: Allow me to explain through interpretive dance…

(In FanFiction . net Courtroom)

Judge: (squints down at the Official Rating Guide) For strong language, suggestive themes, and general stupidity, I hereby sentence this ff, written by one Vanilla Slash, to a rating of T! (Slams down gravel)

Vanilla Slash: (jumps to her feet angrily) That’s some serious bullshit right there! I DEMAND A RECOUNT!

Judge: OVERRULED! GET YOUR ASS OUTTA MY COURTROOM, YOU FAN-GIRL!

Vanilla Slash: OH NO HE DID—N’T! (Punches Judge in the nose)

Judge: WTF!? (Riot breaks out.)

(Later)

Vanilla Slash: (sits in Judge’s seat while Judge is hogtied in the Defendant’s chair) AND NOW! This ff contains relevant randomness, meaningful vocabulary, and—OH YEAH!—yuri! (Sarcastically) Shit, someone break out the holy water! Anyway, objections?

Crowd: No!

Vanilla Slash: In that case! (Slams mallet down) VANILLA SLASH APPROVES THIS SHIT!

Crowd: w00t!

Vanilla Slash: BUT!... I don’t own squat. Sunrise does.

Crowd: Aww!

Vanilla Slash: BUT! I have these lovely parting gifts! (Pulls out sacks of yuri treats)

Crowd: YAY!

Episode 1: Enter the Ant

(Scene opens with a bunch of fire and shit. People are running around aimlessly as the castle burns down while a group of suspicious figures in black robes walk down the hallways while no one makes any move whatsoever to stop them.)

Figure 1: Hey, this is pretty sweet! No one’s stopping us!

Figure 2: Well, it’s not like we’re about to lay siege to Windbloom Castle and murder the royal family or something.

Figure 3: Hey, that’s a great idea! I mean, we were only going to give the king a carpet swatch catalog and hit the souvenir shop, but conquering the most technologically advanced city on the planet beats the crap out of my plan!

Figure 2: Let’s do that, then!

(Meanwhile, at the security office inside the castle…)

Random guard #5465: Got any threes?

Random guard #674778: Go fish! I WIN! (Bursts into maniacal laughter while the other guards sulk.)

Random guard #35454: It’s not fair! I was distracted by that annoying alarm that’s been blaring away all night long! I CAN’T WORK UNDER THESE CONDITIONS! I’m going to go complain to OSHA! (Storms out)

Random person: Wrong country, man… Oh, and wrong planet, too, by the way.

(The door suddenly bursts open, and some guy trips in with his hair on fire.)

Guy: WTF! Why aren’t you outside defending this freaking castle!

Random guard #435: (angrily) Well, why is your hair on fire!?

Guy: (pissed off) Are you stupid or something!? THE CASTLE IS ON FIRE!

Random guard #435: DON’T TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE!

Guy: FINE!

Guard #435: FINE! (Stomps over to a closet and slams the door)

All: …

Guy: WTF!?

(In the city)

(A lady with black hair runs down a random street carrying a golden capsule while being chased by some creepy-looking robots.)

Lady: (jumps in gutter) w00t! I’ve just stolen every piece of jewelry in Windbloom Castle! (Opens capsule)

(A cute little baby with a necklace is sleeping peacefully inside, the picture of innocence…)

Lady: WTF! Where did this product of misapplied condoms come from!? (Spots raw sewage stream in front of her) Wow, I bet that’d be a smelly ride… Oh well. There aren’t any air holes in this pod-thing, so the smell won’t kill her at least! (Dumps baby in sewage.)

Baby: (wakes up) Hey, WTF!?

Lady: (jumps on top of bridge with super ex-Otome powers) Whew, I’m pooped! Better hit the—(creepy robot ambushes her) HEY!

Creepy robot—who is actually a guy: Wow, that was some cool jumping! Can you teach me to do that?

Lady: (scoffs) No way, loser. Your fashion sense—or lack there of—would ruin my reputation if word got out!

Guy: THEN YOU SHALL DIE!

(Scene cuts out. 14 years later)

(A huge ship-thing is moving slowly across the desert)

Sergay: ZOMG, could I be anymore of a freaking failure! I’ve been looking for IT for so long! Where could It be… Where!? (Yells to the sky) SEND ME A SIGN!

Random kid: (runs over) Mister! Hey, there’s a girl with a long forgotten Gem around her neck passed out in the desert over there!

Sergay: (not listening) WHY, OH WHY MUST LIFE BE SO DIFFICULT! … Oh, hey, Coolak! Hehe. I love Coolak. (Pushes little kid on the ground to get a better look at the Coolak.)

Kid: (Is knocked unconscious)

(In the desert)

Arika: (dies)

(On the ship)

Kid: (regains consciousness) Ouch, what hit me--? (Gets shakily to his feet)

Sergay: (doesn’t notice) Hehe… Cool-ak… Cool-ak… (Watches Coolak fly, pushing the Random kid over again in an attempt to see the Coolak.)

Kid: Internal bleeding… concussion… dying… (dies)

(At Sand Port café)

Nina: (stares at nude picture of Sergay, drooling) Father, spank me! (Drools some more)

NinaSergay-fans in Audience: (angrily) Screw you, Vanilla Slash!

Vanilla Slash: Not bloody likely! :P (Continues)

Waiter: (sets down a drink in front of Nina) Hey there! This is from your creepy-stalker fans surrounding the entire area, watching your every move! Enjoy! (Runs before fans get ‘territorial’)

Nina: (blinks and looks up from pix) Huh?

Random Nina-fan in the audience: WE LOVE YOU NINA! (Nina-fans scream)

Nina: (stands) Wow, what can I say to such an honor? I’d like to thank my father, and my father… and my father, but most importantly—

Arika: (comes back from the dead) ZOMG, is that liquid!? (Tackles Nina)

Nina-fans: WTF!?

Arika-fans: Oh, get the hell over it!

Random Nina-fan: (smashes beer bottle over an Arika-fan’s head)

Random Arika-fan: YOUR MOM!

(Bar brawl starts)

(Two hours, a thousand riot police, two peace treaties, and five more rounds of drinks later)

Vanilla Slash: (panting) Now… can we please… get back (wheezes) …to the ff!?

Fans: (all mumbling incoherently) Fine.

Vanilla Slash: (clears throat and continues)

Sergay: (wanders over after watching the Coolaks) Cool-ak… Cool-ak… Cool—Oh! Wow, Nina! Did you know you’re flashing the whole courtyard?

Nina: (blinks and looks down) AHHHHHHHHHH!

(Over in Garderobe, Headmistress’ Office)

(Natsuki is staring out the window thoughtfully while Shizuru makes tea. Before anyone can do anything, Vanilla Slash leaps out of her seat: )

Vanilla Slash: OMFG, I LOVE YOU, NATSUKI! ShizNat forever! OMG, ZOMFG!!

ShizNat fans: (go completely crazy, overturning cars, and breaking the sound barrier between this world and Mai Otome… yeah, I wish…)

NaoNat fans: (stand up in a huge mass) GO TO HELL, SHIZNAT! GO TO HELL!

ShizNat fans: OH NO THEY DID—N’T!

(Huge riot breaks out; one of the worst in the ShizuruXNatsukiXNao—triangle history. Ten people are hospitalized, the Ozone Layer gives way a little more, and Cheddar Cheeto is elected president of the ‘Save the Polar Bears’ foundation. Moving on…)

(ShizNat won, by the way…)

Natsuki: I sense a disturbance in the force…

Shizuru: Well, if you violate the copyright on Star Wars, you’ll be pretty much right-on about that. Those Lucas lawyers are out for blood, I tell ya.

Natsuki: (scoffs) I meant something’s up in Windbloom. Have you heard anything?

Shizuru: (stares at Natsuki’s cleavage) Hm? Oh, just that Swartz is infiltrating Windbloom. (Inches closer)

Natsuki: (oblivious) Dammit! Those bastards! Well, that’s what I had you come back for, anyway.

Shizuru: (pouts) (inch inch) Is that alllll? (Traces finger down the Headmistress’ neck.) You sure it wasn’t because you miss our games of rock, paper, sissors? (Makes a suggestive sign for scissors)

Natsuki: (blushes—much to the ‘awww!’ and ‘so cute!’ of her fans) Sh-Shizuru! (Is jumped by the Second Column, and we can all guess where it went from there.)

ShizNat-fans: OMGGGGGG! (Screams) TAKE THAT, NAONAT!

NaoNat-fans: Gerrr…

(Meanwhile)

Arika: (jerks awake on a bench) Whoa! This bench is much more comfortable than the last bench I slept on! Wait, what’s this? (Listens to muffled conversation)

Nina: OMG, I can’t believe everyone saw that! I was saving my eye-virginity for you, father! I’m so sorry! (About to burst into tears)

Sergay: (blinks) Huh? Oh, that’s okay, Nina. I bug your dorm’s shower anyway.

Nina: …Wait, what?

Arika: (barges in) Hi! Sorry for making you give the crowd a show with their lunch a little while ago! Thanks for the juice--! Oh! (Catches sight of Sergay.) Hellloooo, hot stuff!

Nina: Gerr….

Random guy: (walks over) Yo, it’s time to roll out, General Wang! PEACE!

Sergay: (relieved) Oh, look! Time to go. See ya in the shower, Nina! Bye ant-creature! (Leaves)

Arika: Mmmm! Yum, yum, gimme some! (Turns to Nina, who is walking away, and follows.) Hey, is your dad interested in extremely underage girls?

Nina: (to self) I hope so… I MEAN! (Cough) Go away, you annoying ant-creature!

Arika: (persists) But I stole your juice, so Granny says I have to repay you! (Follows Nina onto train.) OMG, it’s a train! (Screams)

Nina: (sigh) this is going to be a long ride…

(1 minutes later)

Arika: Nina-chan! What’s that!? (Points at a piece of lint on the floor)

Nina: (not listening)

(For the next five hours)

Arika: Nina-chan! What’s that!? (Points at a giant hairball in the corner)

Nina: (is exasperated) GOD, STFU!

(Meanwhile, in Windbloom Castle)

Random maid: (annoyed) Goddamn it! Where is that spoilt-ass princess!

Aoi: (walks over) I’ve sent people to look for her. (With a straight face) I hope she’s alright.

Sakomizu: Yeah… wait, haven’t we been secretly trying to ditch her for a few years now--?

Aoi: (gasps and covers Sakomizu’s mouth with her hands, looking around nervously) W-whatever are you talking about, Royal Guard Captain-san!? Are you hallucinating again? I better take him to the torture chamber—I MEAN! H-health center… (Drags Sakomizu away.)

Random maid: (sweatdrops) Whatever. I still get paid.

(At Windbloom Train Station)

Arika: OMG, look Nina-chan, civilization! (Screams and jumps out of train)

Nina: (rolls eyes) Whatever. See ya later… (Mutters) only if my luck is seriously screwed…

Arika: (follows like a bad odor) Wait! Can you at least tell me how to get to Garderobe since you’re, like, wearing their uniform?

Nina: No. Now go get lost in a bad part of the city, will you!? (Tries to leave again)

Arika: If you don’t take me to Garderobe, I’ll be forced to upload these high-quality digital photos I took of you flashing the crowd at the café to MyOtome!

Vanilla Slash: Like MySpace, ya know? Anyone get it? XD

Nina: Bastard! Fine! Why do you care, anyway? (Starts walking)

Arika: I’m trying to figure out who my mom is. All I know is that she got knocked up when she was an Otome, though.

Nina: (sarcastically) Well, at least that narrows it down to just the gold-digger Otomes; the ones that get knocked up by old guys with money. You must be so proud.

Arika: (not listening) Hey, who’s that! (Points at television where Shizuru is standing)

Nina: (goes completely fan-girl on us) OMG, its Meister Shizuru-sama! (Shizuru-fans scream)

Arika: (drools) She’s so hot!

ShizNat fans: (seethe) We thought you two were straight!

Nina and Arika: (blinks) Huh?

(Riot threatens to break out)

Vanilla Slash: (hurriedly) Hokay, on with the show!

Arika: (pokes hologram) Nina-chan! What is that!?

Nina: (keeps walking) THEY’RE ALL GODDAMN HOLOGRAMS! Gosh!

Arkia: So, that girl jumping off the building isn’t really real, right?

Nina: (annoyed) Yes, yes—wait… OH SHIT! The spoilt-ass princess! (Runs across street to save her)

Arika: WAIT! I STILL HAVE LOTS OF STUPID, ANNOYING QUESTIONS TO ASK! (Races after her)

Nina: (is outrun) WTF!

Arika: Hey, Granny says it’s not nice to—(catches princess)—ditch people. You were ditching me, right? I thought we were friends! (Throws princess in dumpster angrily)

Nina: YOU’RE A FREAKING STALKER! Plus, you stole my glory!

Mashiro: (spits out… um, something…) Helloooo! Princess in danger over here!

Nina and Arika: (screaming) STAY OUT OF THIS!

Mashiro: o.0

(A bunch of random guys in dark uniforms block the entrance of the ally)

Random guy #8: Oi! Hand over the loud-mouth brat right now!

Nina: (relieved) Sure! Take her! (Shoves Arika in their direction)

Arika-fans: WTF!?

Arkia: WTF!?

Random guy #5: (sweatdrops) Um, no, the other one.

Nina: Oh, well in that case: HELL NO! (Kicks Random guy #5’s ass) RUN!

Arika: AHHH! (Drags Mashiro off after Nina)

Mashiro: (yells to the Random guys) LATER, SUCKERS!

Random guy #2: Shit! If we loose her, our asses are going down! FOLLOW!

(A high-speed chase ensues, and one by one, the Random guys are K.O.-ed. Eventually, they’ve all been defeated, and Nina and Arika stop.)

Arika: (with hearts in her eyes) OMG, that was freaking awesome!

Nina: (not listening) Hey, where’d that spoilt brat go?

Arika: … (glances around) Huh, I don’t have the faintest idea—

Nina: Oh crap! She’s drowning in raw sewage!

Arika: (turns up her nose) Well I’m not going in there! You’re the one who floated down the freaking sewage river when you were a baby! You go in!

Nina: Oi, we weren’t supposed to find out about that until the end of the series! (Tackles)

(Some time later)

(The three girls walk onto an airfield)

Arika: OMG, giant birds!

Nina: Idiot! Those are airplanes!

Mashiro: (not listening) I’m covered in raw sewage! GET ME A CHANGE OF CLOTHES! (Flashes Windbloom ring)

Nina: (grovels) Yessss, master. (Is about to go find some.)

Arika: Hey! Nina doesn't have to do crap for you, you spoilt brat!

Nina-fans: w00t! Straight up!

Nina: (hisses) You’re stupid! I can’t disobey an order from the Royal family!

Arika: Well then, allow me to inform you, princess, where you can shove your scepter, you total—

(Slave’s roar behind them drowns out the rest of the sentence and saves this fic's rating from going any higher.)

All: (turn around) ZOMG!!

Arika: (panics) What do we do!? AHHHHH! (Runs in circles)

Mashiro: Here’s an idea! Maybe the freaking Otome that’s oh-so-conveniently standing next to us should SAVE OUR SKINS!

Nina: Shit, I don’t have certification from a competent master!

Mashiro: (coughs pointedly)

Nina: (ignores her) Oh where oh where would we find such a master on such short notice? (Ponders)

Mashiro: (fed up) HELLOOOO! Princess of Windbloom, standing right next to you!

Nina: (glances over) Well, you’ll do. Hurry up!

Mashiro: Fine! I, Mashiro, give you, Nina, permission to KICK THAT SORRY SLAVE’S ASS! Now get moving!

Nina: Right! (Materializes and flies off to fight the Slave)

Arika: (ogles) OMG, how cool is that!?

(In Garderobe’s Laboratory)

Yohko: (sitting around) Man, nothing cool ever happens around here…

(A loud, blaring alarm goes off, and Yohko falls over her chair in shock.)

Yohko: Damn, that was cool!

(In Garderobe’s Headmistress’ Office)

Natsuki: (moaning loudly) Ah, Shizuru! (Gasps) Not the-ere! Mhm!!

(Phone rings)

Shizuru: (panting) Let it ring, Na-tsu-ki. (Swoops in for another kiss while her fingers go lower.)

(Another ring)

Natsuki: (whimpering) Oh, Shizuru!

(Last ring)

Answering machine: (Shizuru’s voice) You’ve reached the Assistant and her Headmistress’ evil lair. Sorry we couldn’t get your call. We’re probably… screwing around or something. Leave a message! (Beeps)

Natsuki: (blushs in embarrassment) I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO CHANGE THAT MESSAGE!

Shizuru: Um—

Yohko: (through the answering machine) Natsuki, I know you’re there! Have Shizuru unlock your handcuffs and answer the phone right now! There’s a Slave on the loose! An not the kind I caught you role-playing the other night—

Natsuki: (angrily snatches up the phone) THAT WAS ONLY ONCE!

Yohko: Ah, perfect! You’re there! Hey, the number one Coral’s robe is active in the same area that the Slave is in. Thought you should know.

Natsuki: (yelling) WHATEVER! (Slams phone on receiver) Things were just getting good around here, too!

Shizuru: (gives Natsuki a hungry look)

Natsuki: (hastily) I mean! We’d better do something! (Rushes towards the door)

Shizuru: Ara, Natsuki should put her clothes on first. After all, I won’t allow anyone else to look at what is mine. (Gives Natsuki’s body a possessive look)

Natsuki: SH-SHIZURU!

(Back with the Doomed Threesome)

Nina: (is getting her ass handed to her) Dammit! I’m going to loose!

Arika: (picks up a pipe) I’ll help!

Vanilla Slash: (snorts) Yeah, I’ll bet you will. Help her loose, that is.

Arika-fans: (give the Evil Eye)

Arika: (throws pipe in Slave’s eye socket)

Slave: (angrily) RAWR! (Shoots out a jet of fire)

Mashiro: IDIOT! You made things worse!

Arika: At least I did something!

Mashiro: Action doesn’t equal helpfulness! After all, I could have whacked you to death with a rock just now and said ‘at least I did something,’ but that wouldn’t be very helpful, right!?

Nina: (grunts between punching the Slave) Yes… it… would!

(Meanwhile, in the pimped-out Garderobe mobile)

Akane: Sweet ride, Headmistress-sama!

Natsuki: I know, that’s why I stole—er—borrowed it from Miss Maria!

(Back in Garderobe)

(A scream of rage echoes through the campus, originating from the staff parking lot.)

Miss Maria: (collapses onto her knees, staring at her empty parking space in horror/anger) CURSE YOU, KRUGER NATSUKI!

(Back in the Garderobe mobile)

Natsuki: Anyway, here’s the dealio. Akane saves the princess and Nina, Shizuru slays the Slave. Cool?

Shizuru: (slyly) Ara, do I get to save a beautiful maiden with long black hair, emerald-green eyes, and breasts that taste like—

Natsuki: (mortified) SHIZURU! THERE ARE MINORS IN THIS CAR! (Slams fist on the ‘eject’ button)

Akane and Shizuru: Wheee!

Natsuki: (massages forehead) I really need to figure out who keeps spiking her tea with Viagra… (Sweatdrop)

(Over with the Doomed Threesome)

(…Who have somehow managed to make an airplane fly…)

Arika: GAH! How do you fly this thing!?

Nina: How should I know! Your necklace is what powered it up! See if there’s an autopilot button on it or something!

Mashiro: AHHH!

Plane: (does a nosedive)

(Shizuru and Akane suddenly appear, slicing the plane in half.)

Doomed Threesome: ARGH! (Falling)

Nina: (grabs onto the other two, but before she can activate her ‘wings,’ Arika’s necklace saves them.)

Mashiro: Finally! The autopilot is kicking in!

Necklace: (goes dead all of a sudden.)

(Awkward silence. Then—)

Doomed Threesome: AHHH! (Falls)

Akane: (saves their asses) You guys alright!?

Arika: ZOMG! (Faints due to close-contact with an Otome)

Mashiro: That was close!

Akane: (sniffs the air) Say, what smells like raw sewage?

(Over where the Army is)

Sakomizu: (sighs) Well, since the Slave wandered over here to the city, I guess here is where we’ll have to fight it, regardless of the fact that hundreds of civilians could be mortally wounded or killed in the process… Anyway, everyone get your favorite weapon ready!

Shizuru: (suddenly flies past)

Soldiers: OMG, ITS MEISTER SHIZURU VIOLA! (They all faint.)

Sakomizu: Aw, man…

(Over where Shizuru is)

Shizuru: (lands and storms angrily towards Slave) You know, you interrupted a really hot makeout session between me and my Natsuki!

Slave: (pauses in it’s eating of random crap)

Shizuru: (goes completely crazy and starts beating up the monster) DIE!! (Kicks Slave’s ass)

Slave: (explodes in a shower of bit-sized Slave bits)

(In the sky)

Arika: (wakes up) FREAKING AWESOME! (Faints again)

(On the ground)

Sergay: Cool-ak… Oh, hey, look. It’s raining Slave-bits. (Sticks out tongue)

Sakomizu: (staring at the castle) …Shit, man. The palace is totaled. What’s the princess going to say…? (Gulp)

(With the Doomed Threesome)

Akane: (lands) Whew, that was fun.

Arika: (wakes up and squeals) OMG, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Natsuki: (immerges dramatically from the front doors) That is the power of the Otome.

Natsuki-fans: (scream) WE LOVE YOU, NATSUKI! You’re so gorgeous!

Natsuki: That being said, who the hell are you? (Points at Arika)

Arika: Um—

Nina: FATHER! (Everyone turns to see Nina glomp Sergay)

Sergay: Hey, Nina, you’re alive! And that ant-thing, too… (Scratches head, trying to remember her name)

Arika: I’M NOT AN ANT—OMG! (A.D.D. moment) (Runs past Sergay to stare avidly at Shizuru, who is landing) That’s it! I’ll become an Otome, and meet loads of hot girls! THAT’S MY PURPOSE IN LIFE!

Vanilla Slash: (sweatdrop) Somehow, I always figured that was her real reason.

Arika-fans: (loose it) THAT’S IT! (Materializes into an angry mob) We’ll mess you up, Vanilla Slash!

Vanilla Slash: (leaps out of seat) BRING IT! (Materializes)

Arkia-fans and Vanilla Slash: (Try to kill each other)

Nao-fans: Oh look, a brawl! (Joins)

Miscellaneous others: Ah, well. (Jump in the fight, randomly punching people.)

Riot police: (bust down the virtual door) HALT! Break it up! (Starts trying to separate the fans)

Lead riot police guy: (to the officers separating the camps) Hokay, Shizuru-fans over there (points), Nao-fans over here (points somewhere else), Natsuki-fans right there—

Random fan put in the Shizuru camp: (raises hand) Wait! I’m a Natsuki-fan even more, though!

Lead riot police guy: (scratches head) Okay, put her with the Natsuki-fans.

Random police guy: Okay. (Complies)

(A pause… Then—)

Random fan that was put in the Shizuru camp, but was then transferred over to the Natsuki camp: (punches a Natsuki-fan with the phrase ‘NaoNat PAWNS YOU ALL!’ on her sweater.) (Shouts) NAONATs SECRETLY WISH NATSUKI WAS WITH TAKEDA!

(Stunned silence)

NaoNats: (screaming) EW! STRAIGHT COUPLING! HOW DARE YOU? TAKE IT BACK! TAKE IT BACK!

Suicidal fan-girl: NEVER! (Punches a random person, which turns out to be a Nina-fan)

(Riot starts up again.)

Vanilla Slash: w00t! Now this is a party! (Goes back to brawling)

Lead riot police guy: (sighs) Ah, shit… (Turns to Random police guy #34534) Get the taisers, will ya?

Vanilla Slash’s Notes:

Randomness and sugar are a lethal combination for the overall IQ of the fanfiction community. ESPECIALLY WHEN I’M INVOLVED! XD

So, there’s the first chapter. I’ll be going through each episode of Mai Otome, crunching the series down to little bite-sized pieces. This is my first FF, so let’s see how this goes! :O

--Vanilla Slash

Mai Otome: Series in Seconds!

Summary: Every Mai Otome episode crunched into its own hilarious chapter! Beware: Contains fan-brawls, colorful explicative, and random chaos for some flavor.

Warnings: ‘Crime against humanity’ is an ambiguous phrase…

(On the I-15 Freeway)

Random trucker: (honking horn obnoxiously) Oi! I don’t remember seeing a ‘Park here and jerk off!’ sign anywhere! COME ON! (Honks again)

 (Fifty cars ahead)

Vanilla Slash: (sitting rigidly behind the wheel of a large bus and looking vaguely crazy) They’re… (Twitch) Honking…

 Random fan in bus: (gulps) Um, Vanilla Slash-sama, maybe you should—

Driver behind them: (honks loudly) LET’S GO, GRANNY!

Vanilla Slash: (muttering) Yeah, yeah. Keep honking… I’m reloading. (Clutches handgun to her chest, grinning insanely)

Random fan-girl towards the back of the bus: (whispers to her neighbor) I think Vanilla Slash-chan is a few chapters short of an ff, if you know what I mean…

Vanilla Slash: (hollers) HEY! NO COLLABORATING ON THE BUS! (Waves weapon around frantically, swerving into other lanes and garnering more honking from other drivers)

Random fan-girl: (staring out the back window with wide eyes) Uh-oh. Vanilla Slash-sama—

Vanilla Slash: (sighs, looking put out as the police sirens get louder) I know, I know… pull over…

Judge: (now with eye-patch!) (Grinning insanely) Well, well! We meet again, crazy fan-girl!

Vanilla Slash: (sulks)

Judge: (continues) For swearing vehemently at arresting officers, employing advanced practices of stupidity, and writing under the influence, I hereby re-sentence this ff to a rating of… T!! (Bangs gravel repeatedly)

Vanilla Slash: (suddenly) YOUR MOM SENTENCES THIS FF TO A RATING OF T!

Random person: OH, BURN!

Judge: (shouts) DON’T TALK ABOUT MY MOM! (Hops the judge’s bench and tries to punch Vanilla Slash)

(Riot starts)

Shizuru: (lands in slow-mo.) (Inspirational music starts playing)

Arika: (in awe) Wow! (Ogles)

Shizuru: (opens eyes slowly while her Gem sparkles in the sun. The symbol of strength, grace, and—)

Sergay: Cool-ak, cool-ak, cool—wait! (Spots Arika’s necklace) ZOMG, it’s the lost Gem! (Pulls out a megaphone and shouts through it) You’d better hide that so you don’t get jacked, ant-creature!

(Inspirational music cuts off abruptly, leaving an awkward silence.)

Natsuki: (coughs) Um…

Arika: (not listening) DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

Sergay: (angrily) FINE!

Arika: FINE! (Storms off, only to crash into something soft)

Shizuru: (lands and goes straight into one-tract-Natsuki-mind mode) Ara, Natsuki! I’m ready for—What the crap!? (Something bumps into her chest)

(Back to regular time)

Shizuru: (blinks and looks down) AHHH! AN ANT-THING! (Screams)

Arika: (from between Shizuru’s breasts) Mmm… (Is dazed)

Natsuki: (tapping her foot angrily) YEAH, HI! Standing right here!

Natsuki-fans: (swoon) OMG, JEALOUS!NATSUKI! (Scream)

Shizuru: (mentally cackles) (Dramatically) Ara, did the ant-creature enjoy my show?

Natsuki: (warningly) Shizuru… she’s jailbait, you know.

Arika: (not listening) OMG, YES! (Reluctantly pulls her face out of the Third Column’s chest to talk)

Shizuru: Hehe! (Slyly) Isn’t she cute, Na-tsu-ki? (Slowly moves in for a kiss)

The Natsuki-fans half of ShizNat: W-w… WTFH!?

NaoNat-fans: (conveniently inch over to the crushed Natsuki-fans) You know, Nao is completely free… And doesn’t cheat on her Natsuki, ya know.

The Shizuru-fans half of ShizNat: (panicking) Wait! Natsuki-fans! COME BACK! T.T

Vanilla Slash: (sobbing) GO TO HELL, ALL OF YOU! (Natsuki-fans dissolve into tears)

ArikaShizuru-fans: (smirk) That’s right, cry. CRY NATSUKI-FAN GIRLS! BWAHHHAHHA!

Vanilla Slash: (stops crying suddenly) THIS IS ALL THAT SKANK ARIKA’S FAULT! (Screams and punches random Arika-fan)

Arika-fans: WTF!? (Arika-fans vs. Natsuki-fans commences)

The Shizuru-fans half of ShizNat: ARA! REDEMPTION IS OURS! (Starts trying to beat the crap out of Nao-fans)

Natsuki: (takes a sharp intake of air)

Shizuru: (pauses) (Blows a breath of hot air in the ant-creature’s ear instead)

Arika: (faints)

Shizuru: (cheerfully) Hey, look! She’s doing the same thing you did during our first kiss, Natsuki!

Natsuki: (is quiet)

Shizuru: (worried) Natsuki?

Natsuki: (flatly) You’re so sleeping on the couch tonight. (Walks off)

Shizuru: (frantically) WHAT!? B-but Natsuki—! (Runs off after her, throwing Arika randomly on the ground)

Arika-fans: (pause in the fight) WTF!?

Natsuki-fans: Yay!

Shizuru-fans: …can we have hugz? (Pouts at Natsuki-fans)

(Hugz are passed out)

Coral students: (all sweeping in creepy unison) We love to work. We love to work. We love to work—

Akane: (wanders over) Hehe… look at the Corals doing the grunt work… thinking they’re happy… Hehe…

Corals: (notice Akane) ZOMG, IT’S AKANE ONEE-SAMA! (Drop their brooms and chase after her in a mob)

Akane: AHHHH! (Runs)

Random Coral #1: Hey, did you hear about Shizuru Onee-sama!? She completely kicked a Slave’s ass this morning!

Random Coral #2: ZOMG, Shizuru Onee-sama is so hot! (Fan-girls squeal) (As an afterthought) Oh, and Nina’s about to get the boot, by the way.

Random Coral #3: Pft, who cares!?

Nina-fans: SCREW YOU! (Seethe)

Random Coral #3: (continues) Nina threw off the curve, anyway. Right, Tomoe?

Vanilla Slash: (leaps up unexpectedly) SCREW YOU, TOMOE! SCREW YOU AND ALL THOSE ASSOCIATED WITH YOU!!

Tomoe-fans: (pissed off) Wanna start something, Vanilla Slash!?

Vanilla Slash: (sarcastically) I do, but you’d all probably be too busy building Shizuru shrines and Natsuki voodoo dolls to notice!

Random person: OMG, BURN!

Random Tomoe-fan: Your mom!

Random Nina-fan: That line was already used in a riot earlier this chapter!

All: Oooohhh!

(Riot breaks out)

Vanilla Slash: (sporting a new bruise) Ugh, where were we?

Tomoe: (cackling evilly to herself) With Nina out of the way, I’ll become Number One Coral, and Shizuru Onee-sama will finally not be embarrassed to be seen with me! (Dissolves in a fit of evil, hysterical laughter)

All: … (Awkward silence)

Tomoe: I mean! (Shifty look) Don’t be stupid, Nina will come through alright. (Coughs)

Random Corals #1-3: (squeal) YOU’RE SO CARING, TOMOE-CHAN! (Faint)

Vanilla Slash: (sarcastically) Pft. Yeah, a freaking bleeding heart. Way to go.

Rabid Tomoe-fans: Gerr…

Miss Maria: (from behind them) WTF ARE YOU ALL STANDING AROUND FOR!?

Random Corals: (scream and run off to clean)

Miss Maria: … (Goes off to plot Natsuki’s death for stealing her ride)

Nina: (fantasizing) Father, punish me! (Drools, staring at wall)

Disembodied voice: Nina…

Nina: (jerks out of daze) Father? Have I gone schizophrenic already? It’s kinda early in the series for that—

Sergey’s disembodied voice: (flustered) NO! Look, was it the ant…thing that made the plane fly?

Nina: (shiftily) Technically, it was her necklace—

Another disembodied voice: Nina Wang—

Nina: (pissed off) WHAT THE CRAP!? Can’t I have a moment of fantasizing before I have to deal with all this bullshit!?

Miss Maria’s disembodied voice: (annoyed) Hey, I’m not the one that decided to use my Robe off the radar and destroy a bunch of junk!

Nina: (leaps up) DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

Miss Maira: (angrily) FINE!

Nina: (pissed) FINE!

Sergay: (shouting) WHATEVER, I DO WHAT I WANT ANYWAY!

Miss Maria: (screaming) GOOD!

Nina: (screeching) GREAT!

Sergay: (furiously) FINE!

Yohko: (smirking) I hope I didn’t pull you away from anything important when I called to tell you that the ant… um, thing was waking up.

Natsuki: (trying to straighten her clothes, looking irritated) Whatever, I know you aren’t really sorry.

Yohko: (choosing not to inform the Headmistress that she has a hicky on her neck) You sounded a little breathless when you answered the phone… Should I run a check-up on your—

Arika: (unexpectedly wakes up, groaning) GRANNY!? (Suddenly leaps up, only to smash her head on the scanner)

Random Nao-fan: (under her breath) OMG, what a loser.

Vanilla Slash: Yeah, really…

Arika: OUCH! Ouchouchouchouch! (Wriggles butt to show the pain)

Yohko: (brightly) Oh, you’re awake!

Aoi: (standing over the princess with a knife) So… close…

Mashiro: (groans and starts to stir)

Aoi: (panics) Mashiro-sama! (Throws knife randomly out the window, shortly followed by a pained scream) Good morning! Time to get up!

Mashiro: (snores)

Aoi: (under her breath) Why can’t she just pick some sucker of an Otome… Then she’d be their problem instead of mine—

Mashiro: (sits up) What was that?

Aoi: NOTHING!

Mashiro: By the way… WHERE THE HELL AM I!?

Aoi: (with stars in her eyes) The State Guesthouse in Garderobe!

Mashiro: (snottily) Why is it so small? Mikoto probably had a hard time getting in the door!

Aoi: (mumbles) Not as hard a time as we had trying to fit your giant head through.

Mashiro: (continues) Well, I’m going to open the window now, and muse on the deep meanings of life as well as contemplate the best method of ruling over my kingdom with a fair and just hand. (Walks to window)

Aoi: (sneaks out of the room)

Mashiro: (opens window) …Look, a jade-eyed-blue-tooth-red-nailed koala bird! (Delighted) And it’s sitting on the ruins of my castle! Wait… OMG, WTF!?

Mob member #1: GET THE HOOKER!

Mob member#2: BURN THE WITCH!

Mob member #3: NO TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION!

All: …What?

Mob member #3: I mean… GET HER!

Mob: YEAH! GERR!

Arika: (shouting) YOU’RE ALL HATERS! (Sees door at the end of the hall) OMG, there it is!

Shiho: OH NO YOU DON’T! (Tries to tackle her) (Misses)

(In the Council Chambers)

Natsuki: (hears a commotion outside) (Frowns) Does anyone else hear that?

Sergay: I’ll check… (Goes to open the door)

(The door to the Council chambers suddenly slams open anyway)

Arika: (barges in) PLEASE LET ME INTO YOUR SCHOOL!

(The entire population of Garderobe suddenly falls on top of her)

Random Officials #1-5: …WTF!?

Natsuki: (incredulously) ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS!?

Shizuru: (trying to get a good look down Natsuki’s shirt and doesn’t notice the impending catastrophe) (Is unable to restrain herself) (Inch inch) Na-tsu-ki…

Natsuki: (notices The Look) (Horrified) Shizuru! (Whispering) Not here!

Miss Maria: (not noticing the Headmistress’ problem) (To the students) What are you all doing!?

Students: (freeze) Um… trying to learn more about our local government?

Miss Maria: THEN STAY AWAKE IN CLASS! Now get out! GET OUT! (Chases student out)

Natsuki: (still arguing quietly with her girlfriend) Shizuru, you can’t do that here!

Shizuru: (upset) But we got interrupted by that ant-thing ten times already!

Natsuki: (blinks) Ten? We were only interrupted twice today…

Shizuru: Well, I was planning on jumping you eight other times, but people kept getting in the way.

Natsuki: (forgetting to whisper) SH-SHIZURU!

(The entire room hones in on the couple)

Natsuki: (coughs) Um—

Nagi: (suddenly walks in) Hey everybody!

Fans-turned-haters: OMG, KILL THAT FREAKING BASTARD! (Rabid fan-scream)

Nagi: (oblivious) I was just in the neighborhood, and—

Mashiro: (screams) WTH ARE YOU DOING HERE!?

Nagi: (continues) –I decided to drop by and see my Mashiro-chan!

ArikaMashiro-fans and Mashiro: (in unison) SHE/I DOESN’T/DON’T WANT TO SEE HIM/YOU! EVER!

Nagi: (dramatically) How cruel love is!

Natsuki: (distracted by the hand on her thigh under the table) Uh, Grand Duke, we’re sort of (hisses in pleasure) doing something right now. (Bites her lips to keep from moaning) Can you—AH!—come back late—SHIZURU! (Whines, arching her back and closing her eyes)

Everyone in the room: (drools or gets a nosebleed)

Everyone in the audience: (drools or gets a nosebleed)

ShizNat-fans: O…M…G… THAT WAS GREAT!

NaoNat-fans: (wishing it were Nao instead) But still… Natsuki… moaning… Mmm…

Natsuki: (mortified) Um, will you all excuse us? (Sprints out with Shizuru)

(Silence)

Random official #2: (dumbfounded) That was hot.

Other officials: (agree dazedly)

Nagi: (snaps out of it) Uh, I was about to say, why don’t we have a contest between—

Officials: Yeah, yeah. Do whatever you want… (Fantasize about what Natsuki and Shizuru are doing)

Nagi: (twitches) Whatever I want? (Goes into a daydream filled with blood and misery)

Nina: (staring at a spaced-out Sergay) Father… (Goes into a fantasy-induced daze too)

Arika: I’ll get my chance to prove myself worthy as an Otome! (Starts daydreaming)

Mashiro: …YOU’RE ALL CRAZY! (Storms out)

Vanilla Slash’s Notes:

Hey, look! There goes another 16 pages… and a few hours of my life… But that’s okay… I wasn’t really using it… Anyway! Thanks to everyone that reviewed! I was so relieved to know that I wasn’t just flattering myself by writing this XD

Oh, and anyone notice that “No taxation without representation line”? Yeah, there’s a Fourth of July shoutout! XD HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMERICA! This is like a belated birthday present! 0-0

--Vanilla Slash

Mai Otome: Series in Seconds!

Summary: Every Mai Otome episode crunched into its own hilarious chapter! Beware: Contains fan-brawls, colorful explicative, and random chaos for some flavor.

Warnings: *sigh* Your sanity, I guess.

Judge: (slams mallet) This court has reason to believe that Vanilla Slash has violated her parole—I MEAN, the disclaimer clause of fan fiction writing.

Vanilla Slash: (horrified) NO! So not true! I put a disclaimer and rating at the top of ever chapter! (Glares at other fans) Back me up, guys!

Fans’ Spokesperson: (apologetically) Sorry, but we’re on jury duty.

Vanilla Slash: (mumbling) Freaking great…

Judge: (smugly) Chapter two has a rating… but no disclaimer!

Jury: Ooooh!

Vanilla Slash: (dumbfounded) I—I… (Clicking frantically on URL)

Judge: WERE YOU TRYING TO TAKE SOME CREDIT FOR YOURSELF, PITIFUL FANGIRL!? TALK, GODDAMIT!

Vanilla Slash: (stares at chapter two) O… M… GOD! (Bursts into tears)

Judge: (cackles) Oh, this ff is so going to be a T. WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU DONE!?

Vanilla Slash: (choking on tears) I—I’LL TALK! I’ve—I admit it! I WROTE AN ANGSTY Natsuki/Shiho/Shizuru/Nao LAST NIGHT!

Judge: (does classic faceplant) What!? Is that even structurally possible!?

Random fans: TRAITOR!

Judge: (fuming) NO NO NO! I was talking about stealing! Have you claimed to own other things that you so clearly don’t!?

Vanilla Slash: (musing) Well…

(Ten Hours Later)

Vanilla Slash: —and I don’t own my car, or my TV, and—OH! I don’t own The Beetles, and—

Judge: (tearing hair out) OMG, STFU! I don’t care! Just—JUST STOP CONFESSING! (Jumps out nearest window)

Court Scribe: …awkward…

Vanilla Slash: …and I don’t own my pony—

Jury: (groans)

Episode 3: Do What You Want<<<(A dare, not an invitation)

Nagi: (cheerfully) I think I have some great ideas for later in the series! But anyway, we’ll have a contest—

Random official #3: (snaps out of it) Is that kid talking to us?

Random official #2: (annoyed) Who cares? (Coughs) ...Say, shouldn’t we check up on Gakuenchou Natsuki-san and—

Nagi: (furious) HELLO! Why isn’t anyone paying attention to—

Random official #2: (continues) –Shizuru-san? They have been gone for an awfully long—

Nagi: OMG, WILL YOU PERVERTS LISTEN FOR ONE FREAKING SECOND!?

All: (stunned into silence)

Nagi: So, we’ll let the underage girls go at it, bla bla bla, winner take all. Okay?

Random officials #1-5: …

Nagi: …I’m done now.

Officials: YAY! Do whatever you want. (Run off to buy XXX-rated ShizNat fanbooks from Backstage)

Nagi: Whatever I want? (Starts fantasizing again)

(Outside)

(Suspicious looking figures in ominous black cloaks walk among brightly-dressed festival-goers in broad daylight. Nobody notices. Again.)

(In the princess’ dressing room)

Sakomizu: Well, this is it. I was just coming to see if you’d changed your mind about this whole nation-wide festival thing—

Mashiro: (rudely) No. Get out.

Sakomizu: (continuing quickly) —because, as I’ve said, the country is in economic turmoil, and the extra strain from this party of yours—

Mashiro: Don’t care. Leave.

Sakomizu: (plows on) –could send the entire country into—

Mashiro: (irritated) Wah, wah, your needs! …You know, I vaguely recall saying something along the lines of—oh, what was it?—Oh yeah, GET THE HELL OUT!

Sakomizu: (yelps and scrambles away)

Aoi: (under her breath) You always do stupid things when that snot-nosed Grand Duke gets involved…

Mashiro: (seething) Say that again?

Aoi: OH! (Nervous laugh) Um, have I mentioned your hair is looking especially purple today? (Hurriedly exits)

(In the Garderobe Medical Bay)

Yohko: Well, you’ve cause quite a stir today, haven’t you? (Smiles mechanically)

Arika: Umph mmhh pfts! (Is unable to speak coherently through the multiple bindings, handcuffs, and gags that hold her to the bed)

Yohko: Now… I’m going to inject thousands of tiny machines into your body… INCOMING! (Shoves needle in Arika’s arm)

Arika: (spits out gags and screams) OUCH! WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU!? Crazy nurse!

Yohko: (annoyed) Oh, hold still! (Stabs again)

Squeamish people in audience: OH GOD! (Faint/throw up)

Vanilla Slash: (sweatdrops) I’m not cleaning that up.

(In the Headmistress’ Office)

Natsuki: (frustrated) Thanks to you, we had to have the grunts—I MEAN, Coral students clean up all the nosebleed juice that got dumped on the Council Chambers today. (Rounds on Shizuru) Do you have any idea of the rumors going around here now!?

Shizuru: Well, considering I’m creating them as fast as I can—Um, that is to say, no… (Adopts the ‘I’m-about-to-say-something-really-kinky’ expression) Gakuenchou Kruger Onee-sama…

Natsuki: (flinches at The Look, getting increasingly frustrated) DOES THE SCRIPT MEAN ANYTHING TO ANYONE AROUND HERE!? These implied lemons are absolutely nowhere in them!

Vanilla Slash: (dismissively) Eh, we already watched the series. This is what should have happened anyway; the writers were just too shy to admit it.

Shizuru: (happily) Are you going to punish me, Gakuenchou Kruger Onee-sama?

Natsuki: (twitches) Shizuru…

(In Garderobe’s Courtyard)

Random Coral #1: (aimlessly) Hey, did you hear that that hooker from this morning is going to fight Nina?

Arika-fans: OMG, WTF!?

Random Coral #2: Yeah, I’m rooting for her. I’d rather have to fight someone as clueless as that for a final grade instead of Nina-chan.

Random Coral #3: Hey, want to go for pie?

All: HELL YEAH!

(In a Random Corner of Garderobe)

Nina: (walking around in a daze) Father…

Sergay: Nina!

Nina: (jumps) Oh no… the voices… THEY’RE BACK! (Totally flips out, running away screaming)

Sergay: (from staircase) …Uh-oh… Weren’t we supposed to have some cutesy flashback?

Vanilla Slash: (flips through script feverishly) Crap, he’s right! It was supposed to be about Nina before she developed an adoptive father complex…

Random Nao-fan: Better keep looking. You can tell towards the end that she’s jealous of the lady in the picture. She’s plotting her death right there, see? (Points)

Vanilla Slash: … (Incredulously) But she’s not even old enough to talk!

Random Shizuru-fan: (sagely) It’s always the quiet ones.

Random Miss Maria-fan: That’s… so wrong.

Nina-fans: THAT’S IT! (Attack)

Vanilla Slash: OUCH! WTF, that was my last false toe! (Riot breaks out)

Sergay: (sighs) I guess I’m on my o—OMG, IT’S A COOL-AK! (Runs after the weird-looking bird thing straight into a tree)

(Meanwhile, in a random forest clearing)

Arika: (covered in furry woodland creatures and bird crap) Lalala! Nature, peace, serenity… Nothing could destroy this moment!

Sergay: (crashes onto the scene covered in leaves, twigs, and bird crap) GAHHAHHAHH!

Arika: AHHHH, BIGFOOT! (Panicking) ATTACK, MY WOODLAND FRIENDS®!

Woodland Friends®: RAWR! (Attack)

Announcer: (appears) Woodland Friends®! Now equipped with rabies, HIV, and Mad Cow Virus! Order today! Get a 20% discount with all purchases of $55 or more at Backstage! Includes a free fan book of your choice—!

Vanilla Slash: OI! NO ADVERTISEMENTS ALLOWED! GET THE FUCK OUT! (Slams door in annoying salesperson’s face) Damn solicitors… Anyway—

Sergay: OHHH SHITTT! (Runs in circles) GAH! It’s me, ant-creature! Call off the flee-brigade!

Arika: (dispassionately) Oh. It is you. (Watches indifferently as Woodland Friends® attack)

Bambi: (stops attacking) OMG, LOOK! SHINY OBJECT! (Points hoof at the sun)

Woodland Friends®: ZOMFG! (Stampedes off after it)

Arika: (sighs) Well, it was nice while it lasted.

Sergay: (screeching) YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN ME KILLED!

Arika: (annoyed) Don’t you have a sword or something?

Sergay: YEAH!? WELL—(becoming increasingly flustered) YOUR MOM!

Arika: DON’T TALK ABOUT MY MOM!

Sergay: (tauntingly) Your mom was hot, though. How come you turned into an ant?

Fans-that-aren’t-Arika-fans: Ohhhh! Burn!

Vanilla Slash: (gulps) Um, maybe we should switch scenes now. Lest the rating have to be kicked up a notch—

Arika: (materializes) I’LL SHOW YOU WHAT AN ANT CAN DO TO YOUR ASS! (Attacks)

Random fan #1: Wait! She can’t do that yet!

Random fan #2: Yeah, she only just got the nano-machines; and besides, she’d need a master—

Vanilla Slash: (violently pushes suicidal/logical people out of the way) STFU AND RUN, YOU IDIOTS!

Smart-fans/Fans-of-life: AHHH! (Run away from Arika’s fury in terror)

(In the streets of Windbloom City)

(Anonymous figures wrapped in dark cloaks dart through the streets of celebration-goers.  Nobody notices—for the third goddamn time.)

(The Coral Dorms)

Random Coral #1: (disappointed) I wish I could have gone to the coronation ceremony too…

Random Coral #2: (impatiently) Wah, wah, your needs. (Shoves girl out of the way) HEY, THERE’S—

Vanilla Slash: NATSUKI! (Natsuki-fans scream) WE LOVE YOU, NATSUKI!

Shizuru-fans: And she’s sitting next to Shizuru! (Fans giggle happily)

ShizNat-fans: (glomp each other)

Tomoe: (stares at T.V screen with creepy, perverted eyes)

Vanilla Slash: (accusingly) AHHH! HENTAI!

Tomoe-haters: TOMOE, YOU FUCK! (Start beating up Tomoe fans)

Random Yohko-fan: Uh, don’t you guys look at your favorite characters like that, though?

Vanilla Slash: …that’s different.

Yohko-fan: (persists) But how is that different from being hentai?

Tomoe-haters: (in unison) We’re ecchi!

Yohko-fan: (faceplants)

(In Garderobe Laboratory)

Yohko: (watching candidly-taken footage of Natsuki and Shizuru making out) Hehe, it pays to be a technical genius…

Irina: (barges in with Erstin in tow) Yohko-sensei! Can we watch the coronation with you—? (Freezes)

Yohko: (paralyzed with surprise) Uh… (Attempts to shield the T.V) This isn’t what it looks like!

Ersin: (doubtfully) Okay… Can we watch—

Yohko: (loudly) NO! YOU’RE TOO YOUNG! HELL, I’M TOO YOUNG! (Under her breath) Who knew those two could be so kinky… (Ponders)

Irina: (innocently) We just wanted to watch the coronation ceremony with you… in exchange for our silence about your ecchi use of the school security system—

Yohko: (quickly) Deal.

(At the Coronation Ceremony)

Arika: (ogling while standing next to Natsuki and Shizuru) OMG, how gorgeous!

Shizuru and Natsuki-fans: (squeals) I know, aren’t they?!

Random Mashiro-fan: (smugly) She was talking about Marshiro’s ball.

Vanilla Slash: (warningly) I’ll knock your teeth in.

Natsuki: Yes, everything is going according to plan—

Arika: HEY, THAT PEARL JUST BLUSHED AT ME! (Waves happily)

Shizuru: (glancing at Kazuya making kissy-faces at Akane) Hmm…sure.

Nagi: (walks up) Well, don’t you guys look like a cute little family—

Shizuru/Arika and Natsuki/Arika-fans: YOU SON OF A BITCH!

Vanilla Slash: (vaguely wonders if Shizuru/Arika and Natsuki/Arika-fans even exist)

Arika: (obliviously) Hey, it’s that weirdo from the Council room—

Sergay: IT’S THE GRAND DUKE, YOU IDIOT! (Gulps as Arika glares) Erm… please?

Nagi: (inches closer to ShizNat) Hello, ladies—OUCH!

Shizuru: (dangerously) You’re getting…too close…to my… Natsuki. (Twists Nagi’s arm again)

Nagi: (runs away sobbing)

Vanilla Slash: …Shizuru is so bad-ass.

Shizuru-fans: HELL YEAH!

Mashiro: (pushes doors open with a bang) HOKAY, LEMME HAVE MY CROWN!

Arika: (yells) OMG, SHE’S HOT NOW! (Gawks)

Natsuki: (clamping a hand over Arika’s mouth) STFU, people are staring!

(Later…)

Head Priest: Do you, Mashiro, take Windbloom as your—

Mashiro: You should probably skip the vows. You look old enough to drop before that crown gets on my head anyway.

Head Priest: (seethes) FINE! Here! (Shoves crown on the queen’s head)

Mashiro: …does this come in purple—

Aoi: (laughs nervously) Hokay, it’s done!

(Cue celebratory fireworks and stuff)

(Somewhere on the streets of Windbloom)

Yukino: (pressing face desperately against the window of the limo) Help…

Haruka: (continues screaming at the driver)

(Backstage of the Battle Arena—Arika’s Side)

Shizuru: Now I’m going to turn you on.

Arika: (blushes) WHAT!?

Shizuru: (teasingly) Your robe. Is that okay? (Glances sideways at Natsuki)

Natsuki: (evenly) Do what you want.

Random fan#1: (nervously) That’s a dare.

Random fan#2: (warningly) I hope she doesn’t think it’s really permission.

Random fans#1-2: DON’T DO IT, SHIZURU!

ShizNat-fans: OMG, CUTE!NATSUKI IS NOW JEALOUS!NATSUKI! (Squeal)

Shizuru: (cheerfully) Okay! (Glomps Arika while activating her robe) Now go!

Arika: (flies off in a daze, crashing into walls)

Shizuru: (giggling) Ara, how cute… (Catches the weird expression on her girlfriend’s face) Natsuki?

Natsuki: …You are so sleeping on the couch tonight. (Walks off)

Shizuru: (busts into tears) But I can’t help it! They’re all so cute!

Random NatNao-fan: (firmly) Shizuru is a pedo.

Shizuru-fans: TAKE IT BACK!

NatNao-fan: (nastily) Pedo, pedo!

ShizNat-fans: (round on Vanilla Slash) DO SOMETHING!

Vanilla Slash: (^o^”) But… it’s a little true—

(Riot starts)

(Backstage of the Battle Arena—Nina’s Side)

Shizuru: (enters with Natsuki) Ara, good luck Nina. (Smiles dazzlingly) Say, who will start your gem—

Natsuki: (already kissing Nina’s ear)

Shizuru: (twitches eerily) Na-tsu-ki… (Summons element with a vengeance)

Natsuki: (irritated) What!? You do that to people you barely even know for even less of a reason!

Shizuru: (insistently) Natsuki is cheating—

Natsuki: WTF!?

Shizuru: (continues) –Natsuki is ecchi.

Natsuki: (looking like a lost puppy) WHAT!? But—but…

Natsuki-fans: Aww, wrongly-accused!Natsuki is so cute! (Swoons)

Nina: … (Edges out slowly)

(In the Arena)

Arika and Nina-fans: Oooh! Good luck, Arika/Nina!

Random Nao-fan: (uneasy) But doesn’t ‘good luck’ mean ‘bad luck’?

Random fan: (panicking) Shouldn’t we break their legs instead?!

VanillaSlash: (unnerved) Um…

Marshiro: Alright, let’s start the battle—IN HONOR OF ME! (Cackles gloatingly) When I say ‘three’—

Arika: (ignores) I WILL WIN THIS MATCH, NINA!

Nina: YOU WISH! (Tackles)

Announcer: Rabid Otome Nina would like to battle. Rabid Otome Nina chooses as her first pokemon—

Vanilla Slash: (swinging a bat) Get out. Get Out! GET THE SWEAR OUT! (Chases Announcer out, locking the door) For the love of all that is decent…

(Over with the Trias)

Shiho: (bitterly) I hope they both fall and break their legs in ten places.

Akane: (oblivious) Yes, me too! It’s so good of you to wish them such luck, Shiho! You must really want both Nina and Arika to immerge unharmed.

Shiho: It must be nice to live in your fantasy world…

Chie: (hastily) Hey, look, they’re starting. (Flashes blue rose and looks charming)

Chie-fans: (swoon)

(Over the Arena)

Mashiro: NO, NO, NOOO! (No one listens) Fine… just go…

Nina: (continues decimating Arika) Are you an idiot or what!? (Jabs Arika off her pillar) Fight, damnit!

Arika: I a-MMM! Ahh! (Falls)

Arika-fans: (sweatdrop) Um, get her Arika! You’ve got her on the ropes!

Shiho-fans: Tch, your fantasy world must be pretty good too…

Random Arika-fan: (smirks) You have no idea… (Starts visualizing)

(In the Important People’s box)

Natsuki: Hm, they’re both pretty impressive… Wait a minute… I haven’t been groped in the last five seconds… Shizuru must be in trouble.

(In… An Undisclosed Location? ^o^”)

(A cloaked figure sneaks suspiciously into a room. Nobody. CARES! GOSH!)

Rad: Aha! With this turnip… I WILL NEVER GO HUNGRY AGAIN! Bwahahha!

Shizuru: (appears) Would you like some bubuzuke with that?

Rad: (looks around, annoyed) No, not reall—ah. Shizuru Viola. (Prepares to attack) You will be a worthy match.

Shizuru: (regretfully) Sorry, I don’t swing that way.

Rad: (sweatdrops) NO! I mean in battle!

Shizuru: …I still don’t swing that way.

Rad: (faceplants)

(In the Arena)

Arika: (still loosing) You know, my granny once told me—

Nina: Ugh, will you please shut up about your granny and FIGHT!? (Lands another poke)

Arika: …

Random fan: Uh-oh.

Arika: You. Insulted. GRANNY! (Goes into Super Power Defeating Mode)

(Cue a distant boom)

All: WTF!?

Natsuki: (moves to go after Shizuru)

Aoi: Wait, you have to protect the queen!

Natsuki: Gerr… Why can’t Arika do it? (Pouts)

Natsuki-fan: (squeal)

Aoi: Oh, because she’s busy running into the wreckage.

Natsuki: …ugh…(Feels a headache coming on)

(In the Stadium)

Arika: RUN, EVERYONE!

Nina: You’re an idiot!

Arika: Hey!

Nina: (flying to protect the Duke) What, wasn’t this a state-the-obvious contest?

Arika: Well… (Brightly) I guess it’s up to me!

All: (unhappily) Oh…no…

Oh, God. Is anyone else seeing these English dubs of Mai HiME and Mai Otome on youtube? I’m half expecting Shizuru to just abandon all pretenses, materialize a banjo from thin air and maul the crap outta whoever-the-fuck! …God, I can’t work like this.

--Vanilla Slash

Throw an egg! What can I do to stop you? :P 

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